Things they don't tell you on Instagram #2

We are living in the age of the #health hashtag. Our social streams are awash with clean eaters and bikini clad burpee babes. Our beloved carbohydrates have been replaced with vegetable imposters and I'm here to say what others won't: cauliflower rice is pretty crap. 

Let's face it, cauliflower would be lucky to make it into anybody's fruit & veg top 5 unless smothered in a rich, silken cheese sauce. So when you have to whizz it in the food processor, squeeze out the liquid (rendering your fave dish towel unusable) and flavour it with a million things to make it palatable it seems like a waste of bloody time. 

Courgetti is marginally less offensive but is best enjoyed raw so that when smothered with bolognese and half a block of Parmesan it has a texture that is vaguely akin to pasta. As soon as you try and warm it through it becomes a soggy, squidgy mess. 

Lettuce wraps are also a thing and I am ashamed to admit that I have, on occasion, used them to wrap fajita filling in place of a gluten laden, kcal-tastic tortilla. But I didn't enjoy it, I was just trying to be 'good'. 

I know we should look after our bodies and that replacing refined carbohydrates with more nutritious alternatives is a positive lifestyle choice, and one which I endeavour to follow (at some point). But let's cut the bullshit: pasta is delicious, rice is nice and bread is best. Nothing compares...

Things they don't tell you on Instagram #1

I spend approximately 86% of my day on Instagram, looking at other people’s pictures and wondering where I went wrong in life to be so flawed.  This series exposes the truth behind some of social media’s most ubiquitous myths.

White painted floorboards are a bitch to maintain

Whitewashed floorboards are the epitome of country chic: bright, clean and perfectly rustic. When I discovered there were beasties living in my bedroom carpet last year I recoiled and then rejoiced, FINALLY a reason to rip up my gross beige carpet. The carpet removal revealed relatively even albeit rainbow painted floorboards beneath and after a quick sand and a quicker clean I was ready to make my Pinterest-perfect fantasy floors a reality.

What I soon realised is that painting the floor in a flat the size of a cupboard is a logistical nightmare, but, after 3 weeks of leaping and jumping over islands of wet paint and 3 haphazard coats, we were finished! The room suddenly seemed bathed in light and with the addition of a faux-Persian rug and a flattering Instagram filter, the boudoir was complete.

A couple of days in it became apparent that my stark white floor was incredibly unforgiving. Fluff, dust and alarming amounts of my hair littered the bedroom. My dreams of a Skandi-style, fuss-free way of life were shattered and with my dustbuster in hand I embarked upon a clean-up mission. I’ve* been cleaning up ever since…